As with most youngster, I thrived on ‘special’ occasions. It seemed the long-anticipated days would never come. I lived each moment in longing for the next. Eagerly waiting for the farm animals to have their babies. For summer days and swimming in the creek. Feeling unable to wait for birthdays, parties and celebrations. Counting down the days until older siblings came home from college. Waiting to grow up.
Strange, how things can change as we advance and mature in life. Suddenly, instead of looking forward I find myself looking back.
Yes! Back! And I’m not yet 30! I know…I know. That feeling ought to be reserved for busy-busy-busy mamas! For the workaholic. Midlife crisis. The elderly and the dying.
I know. But my reality is this: I feel like I’ve lost the past 8 years of my life. Somewhere, I fell asleep and have awakened to find myself older. My friends and family have aged. People have died. Some have married. Have children. Some are done having children.
I awaken to an older body. One that is easily tired, that cannot be managed as it once was.
I find myself re-learning how to do life in this strange state. How to eat properly. Manage body weight. Interact with others. Re-develop social skills. To recognize this new body’s ‘exhaustion’ signs.
Sometimes I feel like a young teenager living in the confusion of life, trying to decipher who this person is. Only this time I lack energy and unruliness. I discover someone much older, who can relate well with grandmothers and the sick people around her.
Yes. And I find myself looking back. Trying to understand and panicking about the future! If the past 10 years went by so quickly, how much faster are the next 10 going to go by?!
Years in which we hope to have children, a home and settle into our community?
There is a time for looking back. For grief. Coming to a place of acceptance. And now? I’m realizing now is the time to move forward.
Time to look ahead! Living in the past doesn’t make for a better future. It will not enable me to enter into my current world, to engage the moments and hours that will make the next 10 years of my life.
I choose to accept what happened, that my past cannot be changed. I accept that I live in a weakened body. I accept that I have lost the prime years of my life and never will experience them. I accept my situation, my body, my metal capacity.
And as such, I accept the future. I look forward to the next 10 years.